How To Become a Better Shopper

Each subsequent Christmas season spent toiling away in Generic Retail Store #9,556 has driven me to spew into the psychic atmosphere passionate, rage-driven wishes that every customer who ransacks a store in search of that One T Shirt; strews a fitting room with their fat roll-defining, discarded clothing; pulls out the big guns of attitude with the harried salesperson who lacks the time and ability to be The Personal Shopper; should spend eternity forevermore themselves working in retail.

I don’t believe that the people who actually work in retail truly deserve to work in retail. Every retail associate with whom I have crossed paths has become a better shopper by experience; we know what it’s like to pick up after entitled, All-Too-Busy shoppers and none of us would ever knowingly inflict that torture on anyone else. I believe that every retail associate has something to say and I would like to give them my voice. I would like to make the retail world a better place by passing on our unique brand of wisdom. And so, without further ado, I bring to you ways in which you too can become a respectful, well-liked customer of our wonderful retail establishments!

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