So Not Tripping the Light Fantastic

In a moment of boredom I went to check out what’s new on xhamster. Instead of the life-changing pornulated experience that I originally expected, I came across…. well, this. It is quite possibly one of the worst unintentionally bad porn videos I have ever seen. You can tell that they were actually making the effort to be as ‘professional’ as possible, however the shiny dew of pure amateurism completely drowned their attempts, and we end up with this abomination. For your convenience, I have compiled a short listing of the tell-tale signs that this (or any) porn has quickly went a bad way:

1. Zebra throw rug splayed ‘romantically’ on the bed. If the idea of a tacky throw rug draped on the bed is your idea of a seduction tactic, you may just want to give up the hope of getting laid without paying for it.

2. Girl refuses to remove ugly, 90s-era gothic boots. I mean, if you’re into Frankenstein, I guess this would be acceptable…

3. Pubic hair shaved into the Starfleet Insignia from Star Trek (or, arguably, a simple arrowhead. However, it’s more entertaining to assume the ST symbol.) Honestly, this wouldn’t be a bad thing were this a role-playing porn or if the ‘actors’ weren’t taking themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, neither is the case here, and seeing this geeky merkin simply evokes raucous laughter.

4. Slew of phrases that are only heard in terrible professional porn (e.g. “I can’t wait to fuck that cock!”) It’s clear with the use of those sorts of phrases that one may be trying just a bit too hard.

5. Worst head-givers of all time. Neither of these people are getting off on the despicable display of oral in this video. This guy takes lapping to a sad new level.

6. Phone ringing at least 3 times throughout the video. Mom, can you call back later?

7. Sexxy Pron Man’s inability to stay hard throughout the video. Cameraman: “Oh, he lost it.” Cut to completely different fuck scene. Clearly all of that head was not doing the trick for this stallion…

8. But anal is just tricky enough. Sexxy Pron Man’s sexxy apendage  is rendered completely flaccid unless he is presented with the magic glory hole. Which shouldn’t strike one with too much confusion when there is clearly…

9.  Major homo-eroticism between the Sexxy Pron Man and the Invisible Cameraman (e.g. the loving hair caress from the cameraman). Maybe this porn would have been better if you’d lost the fag hag, guys.

10. Camera man getting in on the action. You know it’s boring (and amateur) when the man behind the curtain finally makes his appearance.

So there you have it, and let this be a lesson for you. Print it out, stick it in your wallet; do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from suffering as I did.