A Musical Interlude

Fittingly, The Love Song by The Cure is streaming from Pandora – “Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again.”

I have wanted to write something about my beloved for awhile now, but at the risk of becoming too saccharine and ultimately boring, I have so far avoided the joy-filled topics in favor of the dark and gloomy; it’s much more entertaining to read of the demise of my sanity than the rebuilding of it. But on this Valentine’s Day, I am feeling the call to pay tribute to the biggest blessing so far in my life: The Boyfriend.

My rock, my steadying hand, my calming wind…

Pandora switches now to First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes – “I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.”

Every day that I die a little death, I am reborn that night in the presence of my ever-attentive love’s light. (Ew, rhyming – the mark of the beast.)

I’ve had my moments in the past where I felt sure that maybe this particular relationship would be, if not necessarily The One (I’m a realist when it comes to love), at the very least successful (I have incredibly low standards while at the same time maintaining ridiculously high standards. I’m mercurial by nature.) I ruin many things, decaying it slowly from within by coaxing out the rot inherent in every person, wreaking havoc on everything and everyone involved. I’ve also heard many assurances of saving grace from men – the promise of solidarity in stance, perpetual forgiveness and support no matter the evil or the cost.

Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar – Ha. Ha.

It is a lie ever so painful and often an intentionally placed landmine.

With The Boyfriend, this has never been the case. He has never wanted or expected anything more from me than my everlasting love, support, and kindness. He doesn’t always understand my moods but he attempts to support and guide me through them, nevertheless. He places me at the top of his list at all times, leaving me in the awkward (but gladly so) position of debtor.

I’m not used to being the only bad guy in a relationship. It’s a situation that has required me to be in a state of continual adaptation. I realize how lucky I am, while at the same time, attempting to combat all the ways in which I am not. The Boyfriend is a good distraction.

Taken by the Sea by Darren Hayes – “Because I am an island, you are the ocean, and all of my sadness taken by the sea.”

I don’t think that I can ever be the type of significant other that he is – completely unselfish and giving at all times. It is not in my nature to avoid my wants and needs for someone else for no perceived reason other than their existence. I find myself in a constant battle with myself to be better. This is not a bad thing, even though I often feel like a bad person. I attempt to make up for it in all the small, stupid ways, but in my eyes, the debt will never truly be repaid.

But the nature of The Boyfriend makes this OK. He doesn’t require anything of me. Just love. Which is easy enough, because I do. I love him so much that every minute without him is sad and every minute with him is sickening.

The night is the loneliest time for me and we often sleep on different schedules. At night, I will find myself drifting away from Hulu and staring over at his sleeping form wistfully, wishing I were able to meld into him and share his warmth for the rest of the night.

Constant contact isn’t enough and declarations of love must spew forth every 30 seconds, just in case he’s forgotten.

He makes me laugh, at him, with him, at myself, at stupid things, all the time.

Yeah, we’re the couple with dumb pet names for each other. No, you will never know what they are.

Wonderwall by Oasis – “Because maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me.”

I’m stoic in person, but behind closed doors I’m in love. I like the privacy of our affections – like a secret love affair, it is made more special by being kept so. I hope this is enough.

In my daily life and in my blog posts I am a snarky, whiny, bitchy individual. In private I am all of those things still, but I am also in love with the kindest, sweetest, gentlest boyfriend that I could ever ask for. My previous hurts are intense and haunt me still, but they fade more and more every moment that I spend with him. Such is the nature of love and happiness, I guess. What once was thought impossible is now very much possible.

I have no way of knowing how successful our current union will end up, but I can definitively say that unlike all the others, my time with The Boyfriend will never have been a mistake. I will never hurt from him the way I hurt from the others. I will always love him as strongly as the day I wrote these words.

My life is made more complete by his presence in it.

A fitting conclusion, I Can’t Ever Get Enough of You by Darren Hayes – “Now I know that in the past I’ve been much too keen, but your eyes are the kindest that I’ve ever seen.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, my dear.

 

 

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